Today, Oct. 10, The Express premieres nationwide.  The plot synopis goes as such:

Based on the incredible true story, The Express follows the inspirational life of college football hero Ernie Davis (Rob Brown), the first African-American to win the Heisman Trophy.

Oh god, i haven’t heard this plot before, let me guess the script probably goes something like this:

Evil White Southern Man who loves the confederate flag: ” That [racial epitaph] can’t start cause he is black”

Good White Northern Coach who is very progressive:”He is starting, I don’t care what you think”

Coach’s Wife after the brick goes through the kitchen window and a burning cross in the yard: “Do what you believe in coach, we’re behind you even though your decisions may endanger your wife and kids”

Dumb Young  White Guy on the team: “How come they wont let you play you’re just like me and I represent that the new generation understand racial equality oppose to our racist parents.”

Black Athlete who is the first African-American to do whatever: ” You don’t get it Dumb Young White Guy on my team, you’re not black. But, I’m going to prove them wrong and solve racial inequality by winning the national championship in [insert sport here]”

I understand that we all need our heroes, especially since there is minimal coverage of positive Asian-American  role models. We basically have Apollo Anton Ono, Harold, and Lloyd. I am also pretty sure Dat Nguyen , Wally Yonamine, and Roman Gabriel never faced in racial discrimination so there goes a movie for us. But I digress.

After Remember The Titans, Glory Road, and Pride, It seems like a new form of black exploitation films that feed off white people’s guilt about the civil rights era. These movies take advantage of proud movement in American History and try to make a quick buck.

Its cool my roomate is black.

Icarus Kitsch hates you.

The new Killers single, ”Human“ just released on Sept. 30( So sayth Wikipedia), and me and Pockets have been listening to it on repeat for hours, while we are studying, while we are eating, while we are showering(not together), and of course while we are drinking.

However, this brings a up great concern of mine, how come if it released on the 30th I just heard about it on Tuesday. Does that make me not cool anymore? Am I getting “Too Old”? I remember being 16 and hearing “Somebody Told Me” 3 months before anyone else. Then being the prick that I am, I showed condescending disdain to everyone who started liking the band once the band went mainstream.

Is this my damnation to  the adult lifestyle of cubicles and network television? When I am 45 will some teenager trick me to click on a link and just realize that I had been “Brightside’d”? I only hope Brendan Flowers would have the sense of humor of Rick Astley. Will my kids hate it when I talk about the days of dial up? Be embarrassed when I say “that’s what she said”?  Find it ridicilous that I still use gchat?

Am I human….

or am I dancer?

There is Nothing to Fear But the Fear of Ending Up on “Parents Just Dont Understand”

Icarus Kitsch hates you.

I had one of those moments in class today when I was ashamed of my general knowledge. I was stumped by a question that I should have known. “What is the name of the band who played the music for all of the Motown groups?” Growing up being a fan of my local oldies station, obviously an indication that I would evolve into a 21 year old grandpa who wears slippers, drinks tea and does the crossword daily, the query should have required no thought. But how many of you knew that the backing group was called “The Funk Brothers”?

I mean this group of musicians CREATED the music for classics like My Girl, I Heard It Through The Grapevine and Baby Love. How can a group of musicians with that much pop culture influence be essentially non-existent to the music consuming public? And being a person who prides himself in knowing shit, I’m even more embarrassed that I didn’t know. Now there was an amazing documentary made about “The Funk Brothers” called Standing in the Shadows of Motown, which was based on a novel of the same name.

It added to the list of frustrating simple questions that I should have known in the past, but didn’t. See how many you can get and comment with any others you can think of. Answers are in the links.

Who sings (I’ll Stop the World And) Melt With You?

What are the names of the five oceans?

The five Great Lakes?

What is Go-Go music?

Orlando Merced #16

What is Juicy Campus? Juicy Campus is a website where anyone can post anything about in college or anyone with complete anonymity. This creates a haven for retarded slutty sorority girls to post which frat boys they peg as queers because they wouldn’t sleep with them or a place for the average gay to spend his lunch break. 

Why am I drinking it? By drinking it, I mean ruining it, there has to be something said for a website that allows posters to say what they want without any credibility. Some of my colleagues have taken this lying down and only want to talk about it. I try to be a little proactive in my solution. Jappy girls have ruined the last 4 years of my college experience, with their 55 year old diner waitress with throat cancer voices, those oh so tight tights(which i love by the way), and of course their signature over size sunglasses and Ugg boot. Its time I ruin something for them.

If you read their terms and conditions, check out article 6, the No Prescreening or Regular Screening of (User) Content Clause. It’s pretty sweet. It’s like in “Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody’s Ass” where Mac and Dennis turn Paddy’s into a libertarian resort then chaos ensues.

How to ruin Juicy Campus:

1. Post something ridiculous. Things about Shakespeare, Nicktoons, or friends are always a good bet. Here is one about our good friend Mary Sue. The title has to look semi legit to get the dumb girls to click on it.

2. Argee with Yourself like any Narcissist would.

3. Now here is the fun part, replying to yourself. In all actuality this is the best part because you can completely by pass the first 2 steps and just ruin another thread that someone actually thought was important to post.

I drink JuicyCampus.com!

I drink it up!

Fire and brimstone is how I make it rain,

preaching around like a Calvinistic Lil Wayne

I’m the perfect man measured to the golden ratio

be the perfect woman, get down and fellatio.

Be a horny raven and ill bang you up agianst my chamber door

be that slutty Sun Tzu and teach me the art of whore

I’m gonna fill you up with lead like a shitty Mattel toy

Go back to the special ed room with Harry and LLoyd

Your girlfriend went down on me like mortagage sub-prime,

HR is gonna Nuremburg me for my Not safe for work crimes

Wait until I unleash my Mao ZeDONG,

my rhymes sometime can be uncreative, boring and wrong.

CNN reported yesterday that a temple in Dothan, Alabama will pay $50,000 for young Jewish families to move to this small town with a population of 60,000. The deal works out like this the temple put a million dollars for 20 families to move to Dothan. But there is more than one catch to this deal (Go Figure).

Here is the fine print:

1. Must Have Kids

2. Have to Sign a Five-Year Agreement

3. Pass Criminal Background and Credit Checks

4. Net Assets Can’t Exceed $100,000

5. The Money Must Be Used to Cover Housing and Relocation Costs, as Seed Money to Start a Business or on Education Expenses for Children.

6. Depending upon need, it may add up to something less than $50,000.

This is Fucked Up for a couple of reasons. Reason 1: They are spending a million dollars! I don’t know how my brothers and sisters of Abraham role, but JC taught me to be very charitable. (Which obviously didn’t work well because I usually vote Republican). This million dollars could be used to feed the homeless or for education. My parish spent on a milli on building a gym for my elementry Alma Mater, as much I felt this was a waste of money, you can excuse it because it makes the kids healthier and have a better education experience.

Reason 2: Fucks up the free market of ideas. This is bribery, by allowing non organic growth, you get people in religion for the wrong ideas. No one should want to or be forced to sign a five year deal with their God for money. These people also need a criminal background and credit check, why don’t you send them your resume, cover letter, and two letters of recommendation. I heard having alumni connection works too. Man, Money, or being near Mobile shouldn’t affect how you worship. I sympathize that the congregation has shrunk in half over the years, but money is never the solution.

Upside: They say the South aint racist. As CNN stated Daryl Shapiro, a local Jew, in saying “Being a Jew living in Dothan for 20 years, I have never experienced any anti-Semitism,”  Listen up you yankees, this is coming from an Asian from Tennessee,  the south ain’t racist anymore. Quit listening to all this make believe you are feed by the liberal media.

Icarus Kitsch Never Forgets, Never Forgives, and is over 9,000.

Icarus Kitsch hates you.

If you’re like me, you have seen ads for this shitty movie called Nick and Nora’s infinite playlist. Does Michael Cera always have to play some awkward teenager who falls in love with some hip indie chick? I empathize with these loser writers who have some sort of fantasy fulfillment of trying to get with their Death Cab for Cutie listening dream girl. But writers don’t waste my time on having to watch your shitty trailers. I feel like every movie now is directed by a retarded Zach Braff who loves to bask in sensitivity represented via Michael Cera.

Before the “Bluth Family and Friends For Truth” come and try to swift boat me, Yes, I understand Arrested Development was a hilarious show.  Jason Bateman, Will Arnett and the rest of cast including Michael Cera are awesome. However, why the fuck does Michael Cera always have to play George Michael in very movie he is in? Have some sort of depth; The Governator at least did Junior and Jingle All the Way.  Michael Cera already has two strikes against him: Juno and this new piece of shit Nick and Nora. If he doesn’t make another Judd Apatow movie, I will personally castrate him.

 Juno: Oh, wow! You’re a pregnant teenager Ellen Page. How clever. We had a cutie name for girls like you in my high school, White Trash. So don’t think so highly of yourself because you listen to Iggy Pop and the Stooges. So if it talks like duck and looks like duck, it must be that crazy bitch from Hard Candy. And what is the deal with that last scene where Cera and Page play acoustic guitars? Do all white people think they are some spiritual John Mayer?

 For fuck sake Michael Cera, you have potential, you proved to me twice that you were funny, but you have also proved to me twice that you are an indie piece of shit. As Ari Gold once said “No More Indies. It’s like the Holocaust, NEVER AGIAN!”.

Icarus Kitsch will probably D/L this Nick and Nora off the internet.

Icarus Kitsch hates Michael Cera.

Icarus Kitsch hates You.

My favorite grade A whore has started running her mouth agian and its time for her to be put in her place. The gym is social place and where girls get to flaunt what their mother gave them and for us boys to capitalize. I think I have already described my affinity for tight apparel. Oh ladies, why do us guys hit on you at the gym, one reason you don’t see it coming. It is my duty to defend all patrons of the gym, fit or fat.

Guidos/ Douche Bags: These guys would not flirt with you, lay off the cretitine, and not rock that Jesus piece during butterfly curls if you would stop sleeping with these assholes. Girls, its your fucking fault for inflating those Don Corleone/ Gordon Gekko wannabes’ egos. First rule of life : don’t award shitty behavior.

Sorority Girls: These girls are the sole reason why i even work out. There has to be something said for thin sweatpants and a nice ass. I have never seen cardio look so good.

Awkwards: It is what it is.

F.O.B. Asians: Holy Shit! I didn’t know Asians worked out. I thought we just studied karate for a billion years in the mountains of China under our grandfather until the day came where we could avenge our parents. I remember when I first learned how to paint to the fence and wax a car. This reminds me the first words I said to MSP ” This bitch is racist”. If the Asian populus offends you so much, I guess I will just have to build a dojo for all 3 billion of us to reside.

A picture of my grandfather.

Icarus Kitsch doesn’t work out.

Icarus Kitsch hates MSP.

Icarus Kitsch hates you.

I’m hot – it’s a fact. I look good as a rule with no effort at all (not to sound arrogant or over confident) and I’m usually the first to call bitches out on their over exertions of appearance. Until I hit rock bottom: I was caught in the trap of wanting to look oober-hot while at the gym in order to impress a member of the opposite sex that I’d like to shamelessly bang. As I was touching up my makeup and finding the perfect/shortest pair of shorts, I began to think. I came up with a few classifications of the stereotypical gym-goer I mock on a daily basis:

Guido-y boys/ douche-bags in general: picture a tight black wife beater, at least one gold chain, gel in the hair, and obnoxious high tops that are all black - akin to shoes my diabetic grandpa wears. Commonly found staring in the mirrors while Eminem blares on their iPod nano. Known for trying too hard and flirting with the bitches below.

Sorority girls/bitches that “get ready” for the gym: enough said. I hate them and what they stand for.

Awkwards: probably wearing tan or camouflage cargo shorts, a polo shirt, or dirty undershirt, because nobody ever told them to wear gym clothes to the gym, go figure. They look as awkward as they feel and don’t belong in the gym. Target customers for the Bowflex© machine. Oh, and they are always reeeeally sweaty.

The F.O.B Asian: my personal favorite to blatantly stare at. Probably wearing jeans or some other type of non-athletic wear, like the Awkwards, and a striped v cut t-shirt. They travel in small crowds and “work together” while thinking they are better than everyone else. For girls, ensemble completed by a hello kitty water bottle and/or brightly colored tights (note: these funkstas have probably just left Gelman, or the area right outside known as “the turf”).

Anyone who finds they identify with the characteristics of any of the above categories, here is a message: Thank you for providing reality-TV-esque entertainment during my workouts. You’re ridiculous and laughing at you makes me feel better about myself. Keep it up!

Swell. Mary Sue Parker.

HOLY SHIT! CNN I pose the question to you that I pose to a lot of people, “why do you suck so hard?”. Sarah Palin is really chill? I’m not going to give into the fact that she is a creationist, pro-life, or that she looks like Tina Fey( which is hot). CNN likes to pride itself in not being those “low lifes at Fox News”. I thought you liberal elites liked pretending that you are smarter than the hill billies in the South(yes i know CNN is based out of ATL and Fox is based out of NYC). Also, It would be too much of a complement to say Paris Hilton is writing your headlines.

To prevent the misuse of modern vocabulary, I have identified things that are chill and things that are sweet. So CNN and Meghan McCain here are a list of things that are chill so you don’t miss use the term:

Blunts

Low Key Dive Bars

Girls who like Hip-Hop and Not Rap

Laid Back People

The Possibility That a Black Man Could Be President

How about you use the word Sweet. Its much more energetic term than chill. Here are a couple things that are sweet:

Shooting Guns

Strip Clubs

Girls Who Where that Skimpy Stuff from American Apparel

Usain Bolt

Undermining Your Opponent, By Picking Some No Name MILF as Your VeeP Which Steals Supporters From The Most Powerful Woman in World

However, Meghan McCain ain’t all bad. She said and I quote “[Palin] doesn’t act entitled, which unfortunately sometimes you get with some politicians.” AKA Palin isn’t a huge bitch like Hilary Clinton. CNN still sucks for going with that headline, but Meghan McCain is probably just a normal 24 year old girl who probably lived an over privileged life, who probably has blown some coke, and who probably gets real drunk at clubs. So chill being in her lexicon shouldn’t be hated on, even though she missed used it. However, CNN should have some common sense to have more legit headlines. But hey, they got me writing about it, so they may be smarter than I think.

Larry King makes Hannity and Colmes look like Woodward and Bernstein.

Icarus Kitsch hates CNN.

Icarus Kitsch hates you.