So its week 3 of living with The Girl and I have come to realize some of the shit I used to do, I can’t get away with. (Yeah, i ended a sentence in a preposition. Blow me!) As a guy I have normal bodily functions that I am not very discrete about when I am around the house.

Pooping - When it comes to pooping, there are two schools of thought: A) Everybody poops (Gomi, 1993) or B) Girls don’t poop. I don’t know if The Girl actually poops, but we have a don’t ask don’t tell policy. However, a fundamental rule of pooping is guys poop and when they poop they need to be entertained during it. So when The Girl and I are chilling in the living room and I randomly grab the Cooking Light( it’s hers not mine, but they do have some really good recipes.) and run into my room. It is fairly obvious what I am doing. Call me self conscience, but I really don’t like people know when I am pooping because I have a few fans out there believing that my shit doesn’t stink.

Farting - At the most, I may poop 3 times a day, Tops, and most likely I can work around The Girl’s schedule, pooping in peace. However, farting is a completely different animal. You don’t when it will happen. It sort of just sneaks up on you. Over the past 4 years, I have lived with frat boys so I would never hesitate to rip one off the chain, but now living with The Girl I have to watch my ass. We could be watching Weeds and I let one fly, all proud of myself, and then realize she is on the other couch. Fml. Or I wake up one morning, basking in the ability to sleep in due to spoils of unemployment letting myself go free, making a noise that I can only imagine freedom sounds like while I accidentally dutch ovening myself. Then I turn over and realize The Girl is grilling me while getting ready for work.

Morningwood - Farting and pooping are funny and embarrassing, but this can just get straight up awkward. Like when The Girl is running around in her undies, I have to stay in my bed  (trying not to fart) or get out of bed and have an talk about how my boner and her half nakedness is just merely coincidental. Ironically,  I have had to lay in my bed until she leaves to go look at pornography on my computer.

Are you there Richard Dawkins? Its me, Icarus.

For many of you people out there, you have heard that Transformers 2 has gotten bad reviews. However, any review you have read was probably written by some fat over educated d-bag, who probably voted for Sean Penn in Milk over Randy “the Ram” Robinson last year.

They loved the first Transformers because it was kind of like losing your virginity. You are in high school. You have been courting each other now for while now. Going all the way is a big move. But one night after a movie, you start making out, and you decided tonight is the night, John Mayer comes on the radio. The two of you are looking at the star. Your nervous for a little bit, but then it becomes a special moment that you will always remember.

That not what Transformers 2 does. Transformers 2 is fucking Megan Fox in a confessional in the Vatican while The Pope is on the other side crying. While in the confessional, a major earthquake shakes the entire building. The door rips off the confessional. You see Osama Bin Laden and start getting in a shoot out with him and the Taliban (while in doggy style). Bruce Willis and Clint Eastwood repel and break through the stained glass windows into the church, killing a majority of the terrorists. The terrorists dying voices some how soften because you hear and see John Williams and an orchestra play the score to The Dark Knight.

During the carnage, the bad guys have kidnapped Megan Fox, realizing, Sarah Palin has been blowing you for the last minute. You give her the angry pirate(look it up) and rush out of the confessional. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Fidel Castro, Kim Jong Il, and Osama are all about to run a train on poor Megan. As you run towards her, the Pope burst out of the confessional, ripping off his mask, revealing that he is Sadam Hussian. He suckers punchs you in the jaw, but you follow up with a hook that dazes him. You rip a gernade off his belt, shove it in his mouth , pull the pin, and “300″ style kick him back into the confessional. It explodes. Clint Eastwood tosses you his 44 Magnum, you shot Kim Jong Il in between the eyes, killing him instantly. Castro has Megan Fox on her knees with a knife to her throat. She breaks free and gains control of the knife and his cigar. She puts the cigar out into own of his eyes and slashes him in the jugaler. She turns around and gives you that one of a kind “I’m rebelious bad ass girl with a heart of gold” smile. OH FUCK! Ahmadinejad snuck up behind with a gun to her head and now has her hostage. Then you hear BANG! Bruce Willis from across the room, snipes out Ahmadinejad having his head explode. The earthquake stops and everyone start congratulating each other. Then credits start to roll.

After the credits, a group of hooded monks are fleeing the Vatican, the camera zooms up on one monk and Its Osama. OH SHIT!

Icarus Kitsch loves Transformers 2.

Icarus Kitsch hates critics.

Unless you have been living under a rock,( or go/went to a state school), you know how big of an idiot the Ayatollah Khamenei is for being the worst rigger of an election. He should take some lessons from America because we are the best at everything, even butt fucking the hell out of democracy. Here are a couple of American tips on rigging elections for the Hairy Jake Gyllenhaal and the Guardian Council.

Make It Believable -60% win? Really? Do think Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can get better results than Ronald Reagen or Barack Obama? At least when the NBA rig games, they at least only do it by a couple of points. 60%?  Make drinking and weed legal and hold elections on Sunday morning, then I will believe 60%.

Make an Electoral College - I don’t know what the Electoral College does or its purpose(nor does anyone else), but that’s point. Throw so much bureaucratic crap at them they can’t stand them. Don’t want Jewish or Sunni votes to count, then gerrymander the shit out of our map. Remember every good government needs fake legitimacy.

Have an Endless Appeals System - Most sane people will try all conventional non violent means before to turning to radical measures. So why not exhaust them by making them jump throw a trillion hoops to get anything accomplished. Because you have appointed every judge in your couts, you will win. They will become so upset and demoralized they will quit. As Nick Naylor said, “It’s what makes America the best country.”

“Vote early. Vote often.”- Al Capone

Icarus Kitsch hates theocracies.

Icarus Kitsch has grown indifferent to you.

Vanzetti, my best friend from back home, came to visit me in the District. I was obligated to show him a good time and play the “Doing Better” Game. I took him to see all the monuments, the Smithsonians, The Capital, and the White House. We ate at all the trendy places and showed him the awesome night life here.

But, whats the “Doing Better” Game you ask? It is when someone visits you and you must show off as much as possible how great your life is. You take them to the best restaurants and showing off the greatest parts of town(proving to them that you are doing better than them). Unbeknown to them, that you normally eat cheerios in your undies and never leave your apartment. You talk about the Iranian election with a friend who works at the Department of Justice, while screening your frat bro’s call who want talk about the biggest dump he just took. However, this game is just the warm up for the Super Bowl of “Doing Better”, the high school reunion. People are expecting a lot because you were the kid that pushed Tommy Chapman down the stairs and his mom had to take him home. With that kind of street cred, you should be making six digits.

Its a superficial game we play, but we play to win.

Icarus Kitsch is “Doing Better” than you.

So after a long hiatus, DC’s crudest wingman is back and I have came across the most peculiar predicament, finding myself roommates with a female, aka The Girl. Our relationship is completely platonic, lasting for only a month, and no, this will not turn into a sappy rom com or sit com. Most guys would think this would be the most awesome arrangement ever, thinking things like “dude you are going to see boobs and maybe even vag.”  That may or may not be true, however there is a price to pay. I have only lived with The Girl for 48 hours and I have realized that as a male there are certain things I did not know existed, such as:

A Full Length Mirror: Apparently I don’t have a full length mirror in my apartment. I know what I look in black pants, khakis, and jeans so I’m not too worried about that, however The Girl wont quit complaining about how she can’t see her total outfit. In my opinion, guys only care about the upper half anyway.

A Drying Rack: When I do my dishes, I throw Dawn on there and scrub with a Brillo pad then toss it into my dish washer. After a week and a half when i have run out of dishes and my sink is full, I run the dish washer and let it sit for a day then put my dishes away. After that I put all the dishes in my sink in the dish washer and repeat the process. However, there is this new magical way of doing your dishes in a timely manner. You wet, wash, rinse, and dry. That is way too many step for my brain to handle. I guess you don’t need the dish washer and you just put the wet dishes on the rack. Weird.

A Bath Mat: This new invention boggles my mind. When I get out of the shower, I just wiggle like a wet dog and the water comes off. But supposedly you should drain you shelf on a crappy piece of carpet before hand. I barely can use a towel let a lone a mat.

Bleach: So I was told, I can’t use Dawn for all my cleaning. I use Dawn to clean my dishes, my kitchen counter, my dinner table, my bathroom, and my laundry machine. According to The Girl, Bleach is so much more effective than dawn.

I expect big changes in my life while living with The Girl. As of now my tv is stuck on Food Network and Bravo. (Well, I actually watch Bravo. I got to have me my housewives.)

Icarus Kitsch hates The Girl.

Icarus Kitsch hates you.

I work in an office and when so many drones walk in with a blue stripped shirt from Banana Republic and khakis from J Crew, I just want to tell these guy they’re is set up for disaster.

People who dress in business causal are sheeple. Go on your public transit and see home many assholes you catch wearing a blue, green, or white button downs and khaki or black slacks. Double points if you can find the prick who is wearing a tie. Triple nerd score if it doesn’t even match.

People who dress in business causal are Yes Man. These bastards will say yes too anything. They could barely tell the cute girl at Express that they did not want to apply for an Express Credit Card. They eat vanilla ice cream, they do it missionary, and they suck their boss’s dick.

Chart  1.1: The Curve of Male Fashion.

As we look at the chart, going from left to right the highly successful model of the year Derek Zoolander looks like a hobo. Followed by the every lovable JT, his straight causal dress says he is a rock star and gets mad girls. At the bottom of the curve we have Milton, who gets constantly moved and his stapler taken( please disregard that he gets all the money at the end, you are ruining my model.) As we go up the curve we hit Crockett and Tubbs. 80’s fashion sucked, but at least they got to drive boats and shoot guns. At the top, we have Gordon “Greed is Good” Mother F—ing Gekko. stockbrokers jerk off to a picture of this guy. Thus we can see that by compromising individuality, you look like a schmuck.

Icarus Kitsch hate business causal.

Icarus Kitsch loves charts.

Icarus Kitsch hates you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8F5YSA1Oz0

Once in a lifetime, there comes band that revolutionize music forever, and takes it to the next level of modern history. This is not that band. This band is if T-Pain and Pete Wentz had a retarded red headed step child which they molested regularly and then sold its organs to buy crystal meth. Yet these best accurately described faggetrons are a train-wreck that I keep wanting to watch. I see the blood and guts of what we call music splattered on the tracks, but its so entertaining to watch the fire fighters and EMTs act like the actually could do something about it. I know it’s so wrong to enjoy but it feels so right.

My and Danny’s hero Warren Ellis has called them and I quote “a near-perfect snapshot of everything that’s shit about this point in the culture”. Not to defend them, but I think culture went bad around when Two and Half Men was top rated show on tv. This is no doubt a low point in darwinism. But, seriously there hasn’t been legitmately good music since the 70’s. Once Robert Plant and Jimmy Page got old and it all went down hill from there.

But, the more I listen I reflect, on my new favorite philospher David after Dentist “I didn’t feel anything… is this the real life…I have two fingers…will this last forever? … I feel funny… I don’t feel tired”

Icarus Kitsch Hates(secretly loves) BrokeNCYDE.

Icarus Kitsch hates you.

Icarus Kitsch is Drunk.

So I was walking back to my place today and decided “Hey! If Britney can make a come back, so can I.” Thus I have now developed the Britney Scale of Gayness, reflecting how gay you are by what your favorite song is by her.

“Baby One More Time” –This is the straightest dude you have ever met. He knows Britney is crazy because his girlfriend won’t shut the hell up about her, but he really hasn’t thought about Britney since the 8^th grade when he was jerking off to picture of her.

“Toxic”- This guy is straight, but once was a die hard Britney supporter back in her hay – day. He still keeps in touch with her on What Would Tyler Durden Do. However, he has moved on to more beautiful hotties like Rihanna.

“I’m a Slave 4 U”- We’re still in straight territory with this song, but to be able to pull a non-super famous single out of his ass when asked this question does throw up a red flag. This guy’s favorite Beatle is George.

“Circus” – The guy who says he likes this song is pushing into a bi-curious area. To know this song even exists, means he is up to date on pop culture. Count on this guy talking about Real Housewives and Top Chef during this conversation.

“Piece of Me”/”Gimme More” or anything from Blackout-This dude is super gay. When all straight men abandon Britney when she got fat and bald, they stayed with her. Ironically, this is probably her worst album.

Thanks for S.Beck for this idea.

Icarus Kitsch loves Toxic.

Icarus Kitsch hates you.

So everyone thought my stance on supporting Obama was crazy because I wanted the republicans to lose so they would reform. Well turns out I am right. The Washington Post reported that major abortion players are starting to look at policies that encourage women to keep their babies instead of killing them. Of course the radicals of the party think this is selling out because cutting down on abortion isn’t the same as stopping abortion, obviously. By that logic one dead baby doesn’t make the difference. I would agree but a live ones doesn’t make any difference either. All they do is eat, shit, and wake you up at 3 AM on Tuesdays much like my roommate. I really don’t give a shit about this issue or any “culture war” issue especially with the economy in the shit and I will be unemployeed in 6 months.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of killing unwanted babies, it’s just that the idea of letting women make a decision doesn’t sit well with me.” - Zach Braff

You guys won. Especial congralutations to our hard working friend in Ohio. Like Oedipus, you killed your father, in order to become king. And to prove that you’re bad ass mother fuckers. But watch out, may you trade one tyrant for another if not diligence and accountability are used. I live in DuPont, and its feels like Yavin 4 after the destruction of the Death Star. But with landslide victories, comes high expectations. You believe your God hails from a manger, or as he calls it Krypton.

“You’ll see, I’ll show you, that when the chips are down, these uh… civilized people, they’ll eat each other. You see, I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of the curve.”

Obama is only human; if you cut him does he not bleed? He will not win every battle, no one does. He will make some unpopular decesions, because that what leaders do. Will you still love him when he doesn’t decriminalize marijuana or when your tax cut isn’t as big as you thought? You now say ” No! I elected him, i will stick next to him thick and thin”. I commend your patriotism, following your leader with out criticism is very “Pro-America” of you. I wish had your fortitude.

“You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain”